The Rough Days

This business is rough, and some days I just beat myself up about it. Didn't go to a university program prestigious enough, with enough clout to bring me into the world of acting with flourish and know-how. I'm not as physically fit as I should be, compared to other actors. I'm just not good enough of an actor in general, I don't have the inhibitions, the depth of feel, the intriguing chops to make it.

Envy is a bitch, the hardest part of this business and my own inner turmoil to overcome. Why should I care what other actors are accomplishing? It's really not because I want to steal that one particular role. Nine times out of ten I wouldn't even really be right for it. Where the feeling stems from is a place of just, 'why doesn't anyone feel they want to work with me?' Then I remember, its because I don't put myself out there. Enough. At all. Ever. I never audition. Sounds sort of rudimentary, no? Well, stop bitching then, no one wants you because no one knows who the hell you are. But its not that easy. I don't audition because I don't have enough money because I don't want to take a restaurant job. I do commercial production. Freelance. It takes up 16 hours of my day when I'm working, and when I'm not working its because there's no work in New York. Everyone's filming in L.A., so work is sporadic. At least it's work within the correct realm, but it's the other side of the camera, and it doesn't come around often. Plus you can't audition because they're sporadic too. Its a gamble pitting work against a possible audition any day of the week, because you'll have to say no to either opportunity, or paying the bills.

There's a delicate balance of a job that sustains living, while keeping days open to audition. Then once your days are open, you actually have to GO AND AUDITION. But whats the point in going to EPA's when you're not a dancer? They don't give a crap about you unless you're represented. Truth. Sorry, prove me otherwise please. I constantly question that if this was so important to me, to become an actor, why am I not waiting tables nights, so that I can find time to take a class and audition during the day? Trust me, I get headaches thinking about it day in and day out. Unemployment is good, if you can get it, and get it in full. My rent is at an all time low. You'd hit me for even writing this article if you knew how much I paid, because there is again, little to no excuse for me feeling like a failure. But honestly, feelings and mental health are subjective.

I'm an high strung, crazy, angry young man. Its built into my DNA. I work hard, lose my money, don't make or save enough, and end up miserable in my room because I cant go out with my friends, so I neglect them when I should be cherishing them. I try to boost myself up, try to remain positive. I go on long runs to exhaust my brain from thinking about a million things at once, how to get work, make money, make money acting, getting an agent, getting paid on the side...thinking outside this stupid fucking box. Focus isn't the easiest when there's nothing to focus on. I wake up tired, and go to sleep even more tired. I have projects, things on my plate, maybe too many things, but I take pride in all of them, and need to see them all through, which is difficult because half of me think I could be working instead of putting energy into something that isn't making me money. Not everyone can be Mark Zuckerberg.

This business is tough, and it's not going to win, but I also feel at a loss, and I haven't even really tried. I don't have the energy to try harder at this point. Yoga? Jesus. Running is all I can manage. My unrest has taken a hold of my soul, and happiness is fleeting. But I persevere.